Indepth 2012

This year.  This year, how I have had a love/hate relashionship with it.  Best and worst all in one.  :)  Anyone else have a year like that?

The beginning of 2012 found me living with my in-laws at the worst point in my life.  I didn't think I would make it to see 2013.  I written a tiny bit about some health problems I went through this year, not a lot, I'm sorry about that.  It isn't something I am ready to discuss, but it boils down to my body sincerely malfunctioning.  I had horrible heart spasms, palpitations and missed beats.  My vision would get stuck, where I would walk around, but an image would be frozen in my mind, sort of like in the movies when the burglar puts a photo over a surveilance camera.  I passed out several times, and had very little control over my body.  There were times when I was so weak, I couldn't walk up and down the stairs, much less to the bathroom.  I couldn't even put on my own socks.  January 2012 was probably the worst month of my life.  I'm glad it is over. 

February.. much of the same.  I contemplated up and moving to somewhere tropical to escape the life I found myself trying to maneuver.  Drastic, yes?  I did eventually come to my senses that a change of location wouldn't be what helped.  :)  I see it now as my way of coping with circumstances that were beyond my control.  My 32 birthday ended February and I made a resolve to myself to see my way through the next year.  

I was seeing a doctor and a counselor, and started keeping a journal to document everything I was going through, mentally, physically, emotionally.  One day I was so frustrated, I ripped it to pieces with tears falling down my face.  Dustin tried to take it from me and eventually won.  It was taped back together.  I think the torn page scars in the journal are much more telling than any of the words in it.

Looking back at pictures of those first four months of 2012 are painful.  Every feeling, emotion and smell comes racing back to me and I have to remind myself that that period of my life is over.  I am healthy now, I am happy, I am still here.

Some days, all I could do to make it through the day without going CA-RAZY was to focus on one single thing, be it playing music, painting, working out.. whatever was willing to take my attention on that day, I would throw myself into it.  I took up watercolor this year and found that I love it.  LOVE it.  I am nothing if not obsessive over a new skill to throw myself into, so learning all about paint was helpful to me this year and I can's see myself ever not painting.  It has made it somewhat strange though, as my paintings are done in a style much different than I put on my fabrics.  Hmm.. I'm not quite sure how to integrate the two, or even it I should.  ?  Not worth really worrying about, but its a thought that has crossed my mind a lot.

March, April and May were hard. They were also the beginnings of change in my life.  I reached out for help to my closest friends and have never felt more love at any time in my life.  Friends that would drop everything and cry with me, drive around with me and sometimes have no idea what to say, but would be there anyway.

The sun started to shine during May and I had regained control over my body.  We only had one car this summer, and Dustin was working insane 12+ hour days to provide for us, as I obviously wasn't helping out too much in that department.  :) I had to put every work project to the side, there just wasn't a choice in the matter.  So the kids and I took to our bikes and got out every day.  We rode about 4 miles every day and walked, swam, hiked and played all over Missoula.

I didn't have a garden in 2012, which was hard for me.  I think it is the first year since we have been married that I didn't have a chunk of earth to dig around in and plant things.  I tried pots, failed miserably.  :)

By the end of summer, my body was strong!  We all were, and it felt good.  Dustin and I had plans, we were ready to move into a home of our own again.  We decided that we wanted another child.  This was the time that I learned more than I ever had before that even though you have your pennies in a row, it doesn't mean you will get what you want.  :)  Houses and two lines on the test just would not show themselves.

Months went by and there literally was NOWHERE for us to live.  My standards were not high by any means, but we just couldn't find a place.  Until we did.  We moved on Ethans birthday and our home is filled music, books, food, art supplies, chickens and noise.  We are eating off of our own dishes and sleeping in our own beds again.  I am even hanging photos on the wall, and working again.

October brought Halloween, which I was here for.  I was at Quilt Market last year, which killed me.  I won't do it again, even though I know that was the right decision at the time.  Still not sure why, but it was.  Maybe because I wasn't able to go at all this year?  Hmm, maybe.  Anyhow, we went trick or treating as a family this year and it felt amazing.

November rocked it out of the park.  I went to Hawaii.  If I could bottle that week up into pill form, there wouldn't be a sad person on earth.  Hawaii has taken ahold of a piece of my soul and will forever be deeply planted there.

Winter arrived and I was able to check one huge project off my to do list.  I finished writing my next book, which will be available in March.  The was a huge task, and because of my crazy year, the pub date was changed twice.  I'm still grateful that Wiley worked with me on it, I didn't think I was going to be able to see it through to the end, but I did.  Go me.

December brought a month full of joy.  We had our own Christmas tree that we decorated together (didn't happen last year), we are all happy and healthy and Dustin landed an amazing new job that kisses those insanely long work days goodbye.  (He is working for the Red Cross now, hooray!)

As today is the last day of the year, I am definitely being reminiscent.  2012 will go down in my history and the year that broke me, which forced me to rebuild myself stronger than I ever was before.  So, worst and best at the same time.  I made one goal on News Years Eve 2011, and I was able to accomplish it, along with many other amazing things.  So I am happy to see the dawn of 2013, but am grateful for the gifts that 2012 will leave me with.  I am happy to say that my face is much more frequently making this expression these days.  I see a different girl here than I used to know, she is wiser and stronger, and I look forward to being her in 2013.

 

 

Comments

[Audrey]

So glad you're on the rise...thank you for sharing. Here's to an amazing 2013! xoxo

[Trish]

All I could think of as I read this is God is good, all of the time. Even in our worst of times, He is with us, works through us, works for us, sees us to brighter days. Thanks for sharing, it's never easy to talk about struggles, but thank you for sharing a bit of you that is so good and warm and wonderful. You are inspiring. Keep going...

[Terry Conner]

Happy New Year! I look forward to your blog in 2013.

[Kellie]

I've been reading your blog for about 3 years now and I love your fabrics and patterns. I'm not sure I've commented before though. You along with several others have made me realize what I want to learn and accomplish. I just wanted to tell you that it was nice to hear that I'm not the only one who has had their family plans thrown in their face and experienced troubling, scary physical, mental, emotional upheaval. It took a lot of guts for you to share even a small piece of your trials with your readers and I just wanted to say, I'm sorry things have been so ruff and thank you for sharing.

[Lisa]

BRAVO, girl! You made it, stronger and wiser!
My favorite picture? You hugging the chicken! I don't know why, it just touched me.
Happiest of New Years to you and your family!!!

[Simone]

Happy New Year Sandi! Congtas on coming through 2012 a stronger woman....sounds like quite a year for you! 2013 is going to be fabulous, I just know it!
XOXOXO

[tammy]

Such a sweet story. Thank you for sharing and wishing you a beautiful 2013! Love your water colorings!!!

[Jan Richards]

Thank you for sharing your year. May God bless you all in the coming year. So glad you are in your home and on the upswing now.

[mathea]

I'm sorry to hear that you have had so much to struggle with during 2012, but it sounds like you have come through it a stronger, healthier person so here's hoping that 2013 will be a wonderful year for you! You have a wonderful artisitic talent and I hope you get to share it in ways that are mmeaningful to you. Hugs!

[Kara O]

I love your honesty in your trials. Life is hard and throws us so many obstacles, but we are here to find joy and you're words and art bring me joy! Thank you for what your presence brings to my life. Here's to even more joy and happiness for you in 2013.

[Janelle]

I love that you are doing so well. I must say that I was very worried for you earlier this year when you mentioned how sick you had been but felt you didn't want any prying. So glad all is now well and you are ready to face a new year with whatever blessings and trials God sees fit to give you. Lots of love from Idaho.

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I love you is doing so well. I must say, I'm worried about you earlier this year when you mentioned you ever feel sick, but you don't want any spy. I'm glad it's all good, you are now ready to face a New Year's greetings and test any god thinks that the right to you. A lot of love from Idaho.

[Jill]

Happy 2013 Sandi! I hope this is an amazing year for you and your family! Thanks for sharing, I know it can be difficult to put things out there, I have always appreciated how you do.

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[katie]

You've had quite a year! Thank you for sharing your ups and downs. I hope your 2013 has more ups!!

[Sewing Princess]

Happy new year Sandi. i am happy you are doing better and taking your time.

[Karen]

I appreciate the courage it has taken to share your private life with us. You are a strong, brave, courageous woman and an inspiration to me and so many others. 2012 was a difficult year for me, too. There was the death of my mother and the very poor health of my sweet husband that required three surgeries in less than a year. But LIFE is good. Each day is a new beginning with joy to be found. I am so very glad that you have found joy in the watercolor painting. Blessings for a joy-filled 2013!

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[Kristen]

Didn't you also sew Erin's wedding dress in February?? Wow - just wow! I'm glad you are feeling better and am excited to see the new blogspace when it's ready!

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[pieceLove]

Wow. Thank you for sharing. I had a year like that. I ended up spending a weekend in a psychiatric unit of a hospital. I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience, watching this girl I didn't know lose it. But it was me! It was! I've recently become quite attached to Johnny Cash's rendition of "Hurt"--"if I could start again a million miles away, I would keep myself, I would find a way..." So strangely comforting to know that other people struggle.
I remember you wrote once about passing out at an Ingrid Michaelson concert. Your tone was light, but I was worried about you. Glad you're OK. Or OK-er.

[Lea]

Wow! Lots of trials in 2012 for you! Praise God He brought you through stronger than ever! So thankful you are feeling better, and found joy in watercolor. I just took a class in it this fall for the first time, and my professor said "let the paint teach you..." so I find that her advice, as well as her telling us to let go of any perfectionistic tendencies (very hard for me:)) was the best...I really LOVE painting, also. You do a beautiful job, can't wait to see what you will do with watercolor.

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