This year. This year, how I have had a love/hate relashionship with it. Best and worst all in one. :) Anyone else have a year like that?
The beginning of 2012 found me living with my in-laws at the worst point in my life. I didn't think I would make it to see 2013. I written a tiny bit about some health problems I went through this year, not a lot, I'm sorry about that. It isn't something I am ready to discuss, but it boils down to my body sincerely malfunctioning. I had horrible heart spasms, palpitations and missed beats. My vision would get stuck, where I would walk around, but an image would be frozen in my mind, sort of like in the movies when the burglar puts a photo over a surveilance camera. I passed out several times, and had very little control over my body. There were times when I was so weak, I couldn't walk up and down the stairs, much less to the bathroom. I couldn't even put on my own socks. January 2012 was probably the worst month of my life. I'm glad it is over.
February.. much of the same. I contemplated up and moving to somewhere tropical to escape the life I found myself trying to maneuver. Drastic, yes? I did eventually come to my senses that a change of location wouldn't be what helped. :) I see it now as my way of coping with circumstances that were beyond my control. My 32 birthday ended February and I made a resolve to myself to see my way through the next year.
I was seeing a doctor and a counselor, and started keeping a journal to document everything I was going through, mentally, physically, emotionally. One day I was so frustrated, I ripped it to pieces with tears falling down my face. Dustin tried to take it from me and eventually won. It was taped back together. I think the torn page scars in the journal are much more telling than any of the words in it.
Looking back at pictures of those first four months of 2012 are painful. Every feeling, emotion and smell comes racing back to me and I have to remind myself that that period of my life is over. I am healthy now, I am happy, I am still here.
Some days, all I could do to make it through the day without going CA-RAZY was to focus on one single thing, be it playing music, painting, working out.. whatever was willing to take my attention on that day, I would throw myself into it. I took up watercolor this year and found that I love it. LOVE it. I am nothing if not obsessive over a new skill to throw myself into, so learning all about paint was helpful to me this year and I can's see myself ever not painting. It has made it somewhat strange though, as my paintings are done in a style much different than I put on my fabrics. Hmm.. I'm not quite sure how to integrate the two, or even it I should. ? Not worth really worrying about, but its a thought that has crossed my mind a lot.
March, April and May were hard. They were also the beginnings of change in my life. I reached out for help to my closest friends and have never felt more love at any time in my life. Friends that would drop everything and cry with me, drive around with me and sometimes have no idea what to say, but would be there anyway.
The sun started to shine during May and I had regained control over my body. We only had one car this summer, and Dustin was working insane 12+ hour days to provide for us, as I obviously wasn't helping out too much in that department. :) I had to put every work project to the side, there just wasn't a choice in the matter. So the kids and I took to our bikes and got out every day. We rode about 4 miles every day and walked, swam, hiked and played all over Missoula.
I didn't have a garden in 2012, which was hard for me. I think it is the first year since we have been married that I didn't have a chunk of earth to dig around in and plant things. I tried pots, failed miserably. :)
By the end of summer, my body was strong! We all were, and it felt good. Dustin and I had plans, we were ready to move into a home of our own again. We decided that we wanted another child. This was the time that I learned more than I ever had before that even though you have your pennies in a row, it doesn't mean you will get what you want. :) Houses and two lines on the test just would not show themselves.
Months went by and there literally was NOWHERE for us to live. My standards were not high by any means, but we just couldn't find a place. Until we did. We moved on Ethans birthday and our home is filled music, books, food, art supplies, chickens and noise. We are eating off of our own dishes and sleeping in our own beds again. I am even hanging photos on the wall, and working again.
October brought Halloween, which I was here for. I was at Quilt Market last year, which killed me. I won't do it again, even though I know that was the right decision at the time. Still not sure why, but it was. Maybe because I wasn't able to go at all this year? Hmm, maybe. Anyhow, we went trick or treating as a family this year and it felt amazing.
November rocked it out of the park. I went to Hawaii. If I could bottle that week up into pill form, there wouldn't be a sad person on earth. Hawaii has taken ahold of a piece of my soul and will forever be deeply planted there.
Winter arrived and I was able to check one huge project off my to do list. I finished writing my next book, which will be available in March. The was a huge task, and because of my crazy year, the pub date was changed twice. I'm still grateful that Wiley worked with me on it, I didn't think I was going to be able to see it through to the end, but I did. Go me.
December brought a month full of joy. We had our own Christmas tree that we decorated together (didn't happen last year), we are all happy and healthy and Dustin landed an amazing new job that kisses those insanely long work days goodbye. (He is working for the Red Cross now, hooray!)
As today is the last day of the year, I am definitely being reminiscent. 2012 will go down in my history and the year that broke me, which forced me to rebuild myself stronger than I ever was before. So, worst and best at the same time. I made one goal on News Years Eve 2011, and I was able to accomplish it, along with many other amazing things. So I am happy to see the dawn of 2013, but am grateful for the gifts that 2012 will leave me with. I am happy to say that my face is much more frequently making this expression these days. I see a different girl here than I used to know, she is wiser and stronger, and I look forward to being her in 2013.